Jason's Blog

A stochastic thought repository

Dear Jason

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An open letter to the gentleman (or woman?) behind these emails.


Dear Jason,

Greetings fellow J-Dog! There truly aren’t enough Jasons in the world, so it’s always a pleasure to meet another.

I apologize for not getting back to you sooner. I’ve been working to remove a family of ferrets from my email server. They caused quite a mess. I had to replace my RAMs and reinstall my internet from floppy! One thing’s for sure, I won’t be using frozen beef packages as extra heat sinks on my overclocked email server until I can rig up a more secure enclosure.

Anyway, I’m now able to look at and see all the emails you’ve been sending. Given the number of this short period, and the subject lines, I expect it’s quite urgent. Unfortunately, given my earlier ferret related difficulties, the contents of each email weren’t retrievable, and all I have is a couple of the headers. The envelope sealer also is malfunctioning, so I’m needing to post this on my blog rather than reply through email.

You seem to be a domain name aficionado, and have several different email addresses. Please let me know which of the following you would prefer me to use. For both our convenience, I have included the entire list of emails you’ve sent me thus far.

  • Date: Sun, 11 Aug 2013 16:35:54 +0200
    From: Shawn jasondoa@abuXXXX.ru
    Subject: Waiting for you

  • Date: Sun, 11 Aug 2013 20:23:32 +0200
    From: Rita jason@12thXXXX.org
    Subject: Where are you?

  • Date: Mon, 12 Aug 2013 09:06:13 -0200
    From: Elsa jason@alamoseXXXX.com
    Subject: Want to meet with you

  • Date: Mon, 12 Aug 2013 12:28:30 -0500
    From: Francine jason@absiliXXXX.com
    Subject: Im very sexy

  • Date: Wed, 14 Aug 2013 11:55:15 +0200
    From: DrOZ Online Shop jason@americlaXXXX.com
    Subject: New Product to Lose up to 15 lbs.

  • Date: Wed, 14 Aug 2013 10:49:11 -0500
    From: DrOZ Online Shop jason@21edu-renaissXXXX.jp
    Subject: New Product to Lose up to 15 lbs.

  • Date: Thu, 15 Aug 2013 11:19:46 +0200
    From: “Dr.OZ” jason@absolute-naXXXX.ro
    Subject: This brand new slimming product is a real sensation

  • Date: Thu, 15 Aug 2013 17:38:28 +0300
    From: “Dr.OZ” jason@acrilicospaXXXX.com.br
    Subject: This brand new slimming product is a real sensation

  • Date: Fri, 16 Aug 2013 18:15:00 +0800
    From: “Dr. Oz Official Newsletter” jason@art-aXXXX.com
    Subject: Get Slim! Fast and Safe!

  • Date: Fri, 16 Aug 2013 15:19:57 -0300
    From: “Dr. Oz Official Newsletter” jason@2creXXXX.com
    Subject: Get Slim! Fast and Safe!

  • Date: Sat, 17 Aug 2013 10:08:29 +0200
    From: “Dr. Oz Official Newsletter” jason@apartamentoseltXXXX.com
    Subject: Get Slim! Fast and Safe!

  • Date: Sat, 17 Aug 2013 10:57:50 +0100
    From: DoctorOZ Newsletter jason@alternative-deXXXX.co.uk
    Subject: How to Get Skinny

  • Date: Sat, 17 Aug 2013 16:28:37 -0500
    From: DoctorOZ Newsletter jason@aiglegrXXXX.net
    Subject: How to Get Skinny

  • Date: Sun, 18 Aug 2013 03:14:12 -0400
    From: DoctorOZ Newsletter jason@akadXXXX.hu
    Subject: How to Get Skinny

  • Date: Sun, 18 Aug 2013 12:17:48 -0700
    From: DoctorOZ Newsletter jason@ad-XXXX.com
    Subject: How to Get Skinny

  • Date: Mon, 19 Aug 2013 12:19:47 +0300
    From: OZ Daily News jason@aquXXXX.com
    Subject: The Secret to the Body You Want

  • Date: Mon, 19 Aug 2013 11:43:07 -0500
    From: OZ Daily News jason@agencXXXX.com.br
    Subject: The Secret to the Body You Want

I can only surmise from the above train of emails that you work from this OZ marketing company, and after trying this brave new slimming product yourself, that you are now “very sexy” and are trying to tell the whole world about it so that everyone can benefit.

I am quite interested in your offer. You see, I haven’t been entirely open with you. These ferrets that I’m dealing with are quite large after a week of gorging themselves on the beef sitting inside my email server. I’ve managed to coax them out with some nicely marinated salmon fillets. Though I’ve saved some of my beef at least, they’ve now holed themselves up in my bedroom and keep biting me whenever I try to go in. I have an prescription orthopedic mattress, without which I can’t sleep. My exhaustion is causing me to black out occasionally, or it could possibly be the loss of blood from all of my bite wounds.

But how can you help me, you ask? It’s really quite fortuitous that you’ve contacted me at this time. I figure I can give your slimming product to the ferrets so I can get them back to a more controllable size. Only with your help can I reclaim my home.

Unfortunately, I am a bit low on cash right now. Would you accept payment in beef?

Yours truly,

Jason

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